Yeah, it's been a while...

I told you the day I got back
It was just after our anniversary
And I broke your heart

I told you the truth
The cold, thoughtless, unforgiveable truth
Too much of it
It's not lying when you just with-hold something, is it?

I should have done
I should have withheld some things I said
But I didn't
Because I was stupid
And heartless

I went into the 'why' too far
Said things you'd have been better off not knowing
Stupid things
Stupid me

And you pretended to be fine
You never really were one for feelings
Not outward feelings
And I kidded myself you were okay
When I knew you weren't

You sent me a message, asking me some things
To which I replied
Your reply to mine came
But you didn't recieve another from me
I didn't have the guts
So I ran away from the truth
Like I always do

Hid from it
Hid from you
Hid from me
Until I almost forgot
Almost

But I never really forget
These thoughts haunt me long after everything else
They're the basis for my nightmares
Living nightmares
Until I'm filled with guilt and regret
But no going back
From here there is no return

She didn't say it
She didn't do anything
She wouldn't
The feelings weren't returned
She didn't return anything of mine
Other than my hoody

I do still have your letter
And my parents and brother are fine
I wish your family was too

The military wouldn't suit you
There's too much time to think
Too much thinking isn't healthy
Not for you it's not

My eyes are okay
But they weren't
Not for a while
How are yours now?

And no, I don't tan
I could never stand the sun long enough to
Just like you

It's not wrong to feel that way
It's human
We're just human
Mostly
Usually
Sometimes we're not
I wasn't
I should have been

How am I?
I'm...
Well, I'm sorry
But that's not enough
It will never be enough
Will it?

Words, Wide Night

Somewhere on the other side of this wide night
and the distance between us. I am thinking of you.
The room is turning slowly away from the moon.

This is pleasurable. Or shall I cross that out and say
it is sad? In one of the tenses I singing
an impossible song of desire that you cannot hear.

La lala la. See? I close my eyes and imagine
the dark hills I would have to cross to reach you.
For I am in love with you and this

is what it is like or what it is like in words.

- Carol Ann Duffy

What a poem.

What a message.

What truth.

So there's this thing...

It's slightly bugging me.
But I can't do anything about it.
Well I could, if I were a more capable soul.
I'll share, I suppose. I need to...

There's someone I know, someone extremely special and whom I hold closest to my heart. And she needs something that I don't think I can give her.
Someone can, I know someone can, but she refuses to believe so.

I'm writing this thing for her, to sum up how I feel... it's not going too great. I might show it to her when it's done, if it at all reflects what I was hoping it would.

I'm too selfish to let her go, and I don't think she wants that, but I feel inside that she would be better off with someone else.
I love her too much for my own good. Far too much.

My head feels like it's going to explode, but I think that's down to what's in my heart.

Her.

Good god, I don't think I've been much more in love.

Somewhere out in the back of your mind...

Comes your real life and the life that you know
It seems like it was the creation of some of those same old things
It seemed to be the only thing left out in the light
She had trusted many
But been unfamiliar with
Almost everyone but you me

Sorry Stevie, your lyrics just didn't quite fit.

My mind feels like there is a tornado going on inside it... but at the same time, there's this deadly silence, like the sound has been turned off, the thoughts, everything.

And I don't have the controller to turn it back on again, someone else holds that. Other people, rather, for there's more than one. Until I gain back some control over my life, this turmoil will continue.

There's this flame burning, constantly burning, and I love what it gives me. I don't ever want it to go out. But something tells me a cold, dark winter is ahead, one in which I will need that flame more than ever, but that I will lose it to a harsh wind in the very middle of the night.

I also worry, for although that flame is my saviour, the fuel which is feeding it sees me as their's. I hope not to have to face this dilemna, but it seems currently most inevitable.

I shan't abandon her in her time of need though, that is one thing I shall never do. I promised to stand by her, support her, be there when she needs me the most. And I will. It's my duty to do so.

My duty.

*Practically Singing*

The world, is lookin' up, for me!
Yes the world, has fin'lly taken, a shine to me.
And my heart, has never felt, so full, before.
'Cause the world, is lookin' up, for me!!

Okay... I'm done singing.
Still happy though :)

Converse and Loneliness

Special thanks there to invisiblexink on DeviantART, for managing to portray what was on my mind.

What does that picture make you think of? Remind you of?

It makes me think about anxiety, worry, loneliness. But then I think, Converse is a sign of strength to me (despite almost everyone I know owning at least one pair, and half of them having no inner strength). To me, anyway, Converse is a sign of strength. I wear my Chucks with pride, all four pairs of them, (but not all at once, obviously).

The Ramones, Kurt Cobain, even Chuck Taylor himself, they were all amazing people with amazing taste in shoes.

But Converse has just become another fashion statement. It's not about the story behind the shoes, or she story behind the wearer. It's all about "I got a pair of purple Converse to match my new jeans!" and "Oh my God! Where did you get those lime green Converse? Everyone seems to have those now! I want some!"

That's not what it should be about. Converse are too good to be thrown in with all the other six month fashion frolics. I know I'll be wearing mine long after they go "out of style" and become "so last season".

You think I give a shit about what every other sodding person in the country is currently wearing on their feet? Not really, as long as it isn't Converse. Give Converse back their identity and we'll let you carry on with following every single other trend, you mother f**king sheep!

Okay... my rant about shoes is over now. You may continue what you were doing before you wasted your time reading this.

Love

love 
noun, verb, loved, lov⋅ing.
–noun
1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.sexual passion or desire.
4.a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6.a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7.sexual intercourse; copulation.
8.(initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9.affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10.strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11.the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12.the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13.Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14.a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15.to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16.to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17.to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18.to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19.to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20.to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21.to have love or affection for another person; be in love.—Verb phrase
22.love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets. —Idioms
23.for love,
a.out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b.without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24.for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25.in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26.in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27.make love,
a.to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b.to engage in sexual activity.
28.no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.

Origin: bef. 900; (n.) ME; OE lufu, c. OFris luve, OHG luba, Goth lubō; (v.) ME lov(i)en, OE lufian; c. OFris luvia, OHG lubōn to love, L lubēre (later libēre) to be pleasing; akin to lief

Synonyms:1. tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration. 1, 2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause. 2. liking, inclination, regard, friendliness. 15. like. 16. adore, adulate, worship.
Antonyms:1, 2. hatred, dislike. 15, 16. detest, hate.

All those definitions, and yet none of them sum up what love means to me.

I'm not going to attempt to put into what words what love does mean to me, I thought I'd just share that with you, while it was on my mind.

Blaziken, I choose you!

I love a Pokémon!

A very confused Pokémon.

And "SHIT!", I've run out of full heals.

Where did I put that Yellow Flute?! Damnit! I sold it at the Pokémart in Slateport!

Last resort, a Persim berry... Yes! I have one!

Thing is, I'm confused as well.

Sunday 24th May 2009

I have got myself into a most peculiar and unfortunate situation.

The exact same situation I did not want to get myelf into.

But it's not that bad. Because it's mainly mutual.

But still.

I can't help but smile, despite the pain I feel inside, for she makes me so happy...

Jesus Christ.

Well my heart has started working again, which is a good thing I suppose. It's been long enough, and I was missing the feeling.

There have been two main things on my mind, Her, and love. And also Her AND love, together. But in all fairness, however much I like having these feelings back, they're no good. I can't be having them.

They're not indecent, just inpractical among other things.

And I'm not ready for this... not ready at all.

I need to get my head around being the older person, the supportive half, before anything else. Because that's what I'm struggling with most... and it's not pretty up there *taps noggin*. Not pretty at all.

But whatever.

No one cares.

Bittersweet memories, that is all I'm taking with me...

So, goodbye. Please don't cry.
We both know, I'm not what you, you need.
And I will always love you.
I will always love you.

I'm a bit frightened.
I booked my tickets for San Diego this summer, and now I'm worried I'll muck up and they'll all hate me!
Okay... so maybe that's going a bit too far, but I'm still worried that I won't get along with people how I think I will.
But I'm still excited. So it's all good!

I'll tell you what else is good... I met a new girl last week.
Her name is Sasha, and she is amazing! Unbelievably like myself it's scary, and the rapport is explosive. We already have such a good relationship, and we've known each other for a week!

Three bad points:
She's taken.
She lives three and a half hours away.
She's over a year younger.

While I'll admit age doesn't mean anything, and it wouldn't stop me going out with her, it's been really difficult on me these past few days coming to terms with the fact that one of these days I'm going to become the supportive half in a relationship, the older, stronger person rather than what I have been in the past. I tend to be a clingy person who falls back on my partner, however hard that might be to believe.
There's a battle going on in my brain.. and it hurts!

There are thousands of good points, so there's no point even attempting to list them in order to counteract the "bad point" list.
We've been playing The Game. One person asks the other a question, and that person answers and then asks the other a different question. You start off with small, simple questions and the more the game progresses, the deeper and more personal they get. The Game only ends when one person refuses to answer a question, and that question gets bounced back to the asker. If that person then answers the question, they become the winner.
We're going good!

So she's one more person to add to the ever-growing list of people I have romantic feelings toward at this moment in time. It has now gone up to four people. How ridiculous?

I was helping Sasha with her homework earlier! *Smiles* She wanted to carry on playing The Game, but I told her we were not carrying on until she got her homework done. She told me that she could multi-task, but I said not until she had at least ten points down. I don't want her falling behind like I did.

I can't stop going on about her, I just realised. And I'll probably be going on, and on, and on, and on about her for a while. Just because she is THAT amazing! :)

There are few people I am truly glad I have met... she is one of them.

I'll be back soon, I promise.

Take care o' yourself xxxx

Sunday 12th April 2009

So I’ve just got in from being at a family friend’s house almost all day. I’m a bit surprised to be completely honest that we didn’t stay longer, usually we do, but I suppose it’s because a lot of people started leaving pretty early. Met a really nice 18 year old girl there, Sandy. Looked so young, which I suppose is good, except for the I.D part :)

She’s a private school girl, not that there’s anything wrong with them, and she’s lovely, but her dad... well! Let’s just say my dad found absolutely nothing to talk to him about. Or any of the other men for that matter! It was all “my Maserati is better than yours” and “Oh, so which football managers do you know?!”

Glad I found some common ground with Sandy though, considering we spent quite a few hours together. She really is lovely, and there’s no guy in the picture, nor has there been for a while. Also, according to her, she’s not fussed with boys at the moment. So I can still hope that she’s not as straight as she says, or not as straight as she thinks she is!

She’s off to University in September, just got back from travelling in her gap year. She went everywhere, Australia, America, Mexico... the places go on, and I’d list them... if I could remember. In all honesty, I didn’t take in everything that she was saying. Was kind of thinking about other things.

Which brings me on to the fact that I think I “more than like” someone I’ve been talking about quite a lot. She’s been on my mind so much recently, and I can’t help but think I’m falling for her... again. I still can’t believe I haven’t ended things with Lex, but every time I think about it, it makes me smile. Yes, you heard right... smile! You must think I’m some really self-centred bitch of a girl, but honestly, it’s not thinking about the pain I’ll be putting her through that makes me smile. It’s the thought of being single again, that's what makes me smile.

Not that this girl will have me. For one, I’m not good enough for her, and also she’s got her eye on someone else. Now I daresay, beggars can’t be choosers - and that’s practically what I am - but I wish I could choose. Wouldn’t that make life so much simpler? I sure as hell think it would anyway!

I can't think right now, but I might be back later to finish up on this whole palava.

Much love xxx

Saturday 11th April 2009

Why do we always love the people we can't have?

Thursday 9th April 2009

Well it’s been ages since I last posted. I’m on my Easter Holiday now... thank God! Missing everyone though, just as I said I would be. I have plans to meet up with some people, but things always tend to go wrong when I’m involved. Hopefully Hannah will be coming next Thursday to sleepover; I can’t believe she still hasn’t seen my “new” house, if you can call it that. And I’m meant to be sleeping over Victoria’s house on Monday, which should also be really good. I never get to see her anymore, and it sucks.

Charlie’s gone away for a few days, and I’m missing her like absolute hell. She means the world to me, that girl, even more than a lot of people I’ve known for a long time. I still can’t believe I’ve known her less than three months. It feels like years. It’s times like these I wish I was a lot older, or that my parents would treat me like the adult they don’t want to admit I actually am. I’d go down and see her, and I really want to, but I can’t.

Love is a strange thing, isn’t it? It shows itself in a number of ways. In friendship, in crushes and in “true love”. I always used to wonder about the difference between loving someone and being in love. I think I have that just about sussed now. I love Hannah, Charlie and Sammy but I’m not in love with any of them. And yet at the same time, I still love them more than I love Megan or Kath or Victoria... or anyone. So while I can tell the difference between those two terms, there are still subdivisions that I don’t understand. And liking them all at once, that part’s confusing as well.

It just sank in that Charlie’s going to read this, whenever she gets home. That's kind of worrying, yet at the same time, I kind of want her to know. That's really weird isn't it? Oh well. Weird is my middle name... one of them.

I think I should just clear up here that neither Charlie, Sammy nor Hannah are the reason for me wanting to break up with Lex. I'm doing that on my own accord based on the feelings I don't have for her, rather than the feelings I do have for others.

So I'll end on that note, and just remind everyone how much I miss Charlie. My amazing girl.

Lovage xxx

Monday 6th April 2009

I haven't posted in a while, I just realised. Everything's been a bit hectic, and at the same time not much has happened that I felt the need to document.

I slept 17 hours from Saturday evening to about midday on Sunday, with a break in the middle where I went running at 6 in the morning.... not doing that again any time soon :)

Been scrapbooking a lot, or things like it. Made something for Charlie, but she's not allowed to know yet! So shhhh, don't tell her it's a..... kidding! Like I'm stupid enough to post it on here, when I know full well she's reading this! Hey Charlie! I love you! :)

So anyways, I can't think straight... won't ever think straight for that matter, hehe :)

I'm gonna go, I'll be back later I think to moan about the fact that no one seems to want to talk to me and have gone AWOL.

Byeeeessss xxxxxxx

Oh shit.

I'm going to end things with Lex.

I have to.

And it's not because of anyone else. I just don't love her anymore.

I have absolutely nothing else to say other than "Wish me luck".

Friday 3rd April 2009

Well I'm home now. Finally the end of the term. Thank god!

I am so tired it's unbelievable. I'm not getting much sleep lately, and I have a sneaky suspicion it might be insomnia. I'd rather not be on sleeping tablets, but if I have to, then I have to. There's not much I can do about it, if it's doctor's orders!

I spent my breaktime with Sammy. I saw her going into the library as I wascoming out of I.T, so I followed her in. I'd wanted to find her to say "Happy Easter" anyway. Even thought I only spent about ten minutes with her, it was great. I miss it, spending time with her. Even when it was just the breaktimes. Those fifteen minutes might seem so undistinguished from all the other fifteen minute break times you get, but it's only until you lose what you had going on in them, that you realise how important they actually were. I miss her.

I'm just listening to Paramore, got "Riot" in there at the moment. I love their music. It's actually amazing! Bella and I are looking out for news of a Paramore tour. Hopefully, with a bit of luck, we'll be able to catch them somewhere over here. "Here We Go Again" just came on. It was the first song I ever learnt to sing of Paramore's. Graham and I were rehearsing for our band. Too bad nothing ever came of that!

I got my electric guitar yesterday. Bought it off a mate along with the amp, the case, a tuner and two straps. It an awesome guitar and I got all of that for £80. I was really proud of myself. I almost just typed "well proud of myself" but I managed to stop. I'm trying extra hard to not say it, I sound like a right idiot. Hannah points it out every time I say it, and it's not becoming annoying as such, but it's certainly making me want to stop saying it.

Lovely weather outside. I'm sitting here at my desk with my window open and the sun shining on my face. I'm just going to pop over to the office to get the trimmer/Guillotine thing. I'm doing some scrapbooking today, I've told myself I'm going to do it so I will. I need to chop up the lyrics from that Ron Pope song that I've copied down. My artistic talent is appalling, but somehow my scrapbook pages seem to awe people.

Well, that's enough big-headedness for one day isn't it? :)

Might be back later on, might not. We'll see how it goes. I might well have nothing else to say, and anyway, I've already written twice today. Not that I made any promises, right?

So, see you!

xxxxxxxxx

Home

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that


I've got that song stuck in my head. Hannah and I were just singing it. We're in Design & Technology, our class, 9.3. I'm gonna miss all these guys next year, when we get split up next year. We're being setted, and also I'm hardly doing any of the same subjects as the people who I get on best with.

Was texting Sammy last night. It makes me so happy, just talking to her. It's bad really. I was also talking to Charlie about everything, even after last night's post. She thinks I really just need to see Lex. I'll know, the minute I see her, I'll know. And I'm dreading what it is that I'll know. Because there is no way in hell I want to end it ith her. Michael told me that she'd never end it with me.

She'll be heartbroken, I'm almost positive of that. All of the talk of marriage, kids, everything, I feel like I've been leading her on all along. But I really meant it, when I said it, I did! I'm just not too sure I mean it anymore. Like Charlie said, "things change, people change", but I never wanted it to change. It just has.

I was wondering whether or not she's had all of these problems. If secretly she's going through exactly what I'm going through. Maybe that's why she's never online, never talks to me anymore. I would be surprised, but I suppose it's a possibility.

It's the end of the term, only two more lessons to go. I'll miss everyone, I'll miss them loads. Because whenever we make plans, we never seem to keep them. It sucks as well! Sometimes I feel like I'm drifting from them, even though they tell me I'm most definitely not. But whatever.

It's the end of the lesson now, so I need to finish up. I'll be back later for sure!

Take care, who ever can be bothered to read this.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday 2nd April 2009

My. Whole. World. Is. Falling. Apart.
And I can't do a thing to stop it. Because it was all my fault to begin with. How did I manage this, huh? How did it come about that in trying to sort things out, I fucked up everything? Because that's what I've done. And she has no idea. None of them have any idea.

The only person who has a clue what's going down is Charlie. She's always there for me, that girl. I have no idea what I'd do without her, honestly. It started out me helping her, but the roles have kind of been reversed now. We both help each other out. I look forward to when I can go home and talk to her. She's unbelievably special to me and will always hold such a big place in my heart. Two months. That's how long I've known her for, and I think I practically know almsot everything about her.

That just made me smile, and then made me think about Hannah. She always says that I "know her better than she knows herself." And in a way, I suppose that's kind of true. And I think that soon enough, Charlie will know me better than I know myself, if she doesn't already. She's going to read this, I know, but I don't mind. Actually, it is kind of embarassing, but there we are. I'm making it known publicly just how much I love her.

Cause I do. Amazing how one of my best friends is someone I've never met isn't it? But I don't think that matters. I don't think that matters at all. We bicker like a married couple for goodness' sake!

Well anyway, I'm going to end there. My thoughts are getting all tangled and I can't concentrate.

I love you Charlie, since I know you're reading this :)
xxxxxxx

I absolutely adore this video! His voice is so pure, and his lyrics are so true! I don't think I could put it better myself. This is exactly the situation I'm in with Sammy! Apart from me being a girl :)

Saw her as we were leaving chool today. I called out her name, and she turned around, and I waved. And she waved back. And I felt all fuzzy inside. I didn't want that to happen. But it did.

It's like there's a tornado in my mind. So confusing! Maybe I love them all. Could that happen. Could I be in love with all of them? Or maybe I'm in love with none of them. That's also a possibility. Isn't it? Maybe I'm just deluded, so lonely that I have to try and tell myself I love all of these people when actually... I don't. Oh god, now I'm really getting deep! *Shut up Tara!*

So basically, I'm confused, but I'm sure I've made that very clear. Couldn't get Sammy out of my head today, but then all of a sudden I was thinking about Hannah. It's crazy, the feelings I've got for so many different people. And not "different" in a way to exaggerate the number of people, rather "different" as in unique. One's crazy, one's absolutely stunning and so on and so forth.

And so I have no idea what to do. I'm shitting myself over situations some of my friends are in at the moment, one in particular. But the thing is, there's nothing I can do to help her. I'm always the one who helps people, and I feel so lost when I can't.

I heard a saying somewhere a few weeks ago, I can't remember where or who from, but I remember the saying very clearly:

You must help yourself before you even try to help others.

It's true, unfortunately. Some people are so reliant on me but I'm so caught up in my own problems, I can't help them!

I might be back later, to write some more. But right now, I'm so caught up in everything, I can hardly keep my thought stream on this.

So I'll see you later, maybe. Take care.... oh who am I kidding. I'm not writing to anyone in particular. But if anyone reads this, thanks, for putting up with me :)

Lovage xx

Wednesday 1st April 1009

Oh my god! Guess what?! My cat died!!!!!!

April Fool!

Yeah, I know.. I didn't find it funny either.

So today was alright. Spent lunch with Hannah, Clara, Kath and Sarah. We ate chocolate, so all was very good! I love chocolate! It's so good for that time of the month when you just need cheering up.

Freddie and Graham were laughing at me today in maths, right in front of me. I don't think I could have have cared much less. It still kind of bugged me though. Hannah and Megan didn't seem to notice though, and if they did, well, they did a good job of hiding it.

I really don't know what Kath sees in Freddie. He's such a douche-bag it's unreal! No one likes him! Not even Hannah likes him anymore, and she's a really tolerant person! She's amazing that girl, abso-blimmin'-lutely amazing. I love spending time with her. She's just so great to be around! I've just realised that she was on my mind a lot today. Well, like I said to Sassy earlier, first love dies hard!

It's rather amusing how one person can turn your entire world upside down. All the time she was helping me through my depression, not for one minute did she suspect it was partly because of her. She would die if she knew, if I were to tell her now. She still doesn't even know I ever liked her. All because of that stupid rumour. Boys, who needs 'em?

Urgh, saying that reminded me all about the rumours that Ben sent flying around last December, about me and Sammy. He's such an arse. Completely ruined our friendship. Well, he was part of the reason it got ruined. The rest was my fault, but I don't like to think about that. I keep wondering to myself how different life would be if she had have been gay... there's no point though. It's the past, and nothing can change the past. Not even wishful thinking.

I need to finish up now, I have a sneaky suspicion my dad's going to come and "check on me". My computer was supposedly off over an hour ago, so I don't feel like being on any worse terms with my parents than I am already.

So I'll be seeing you. Well... not literally, but you get what I mean!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday 31st March 2009

I figured I might as well start from today, so here I go. Just to warn you, all names in this Blog are going to be altered. Just in case...

Confused as hell today. Still got all those thoughts flying round my head. I love Lex, I know I do, but my feelings for Sammy are coming back. Just like I had feelings for the other two. Except these don't seem to be a passing phase. The really annoying thing is probably the fact that she's straight. Lex loves me back, and Sammy doesn't, so I'm stuck here in the middle, trying to figure out exactly what.. or rather, who, I want.

I was talking to Sammy earlier, saying how much I wish things could go back to how they were before, around October. Before all of this started. Before the rumours. Before anything! We were talking about being little kids again, how they're so carefree, completely unaware of the crap we have to deal with as we grow up. Some people more than others, of course, but even people with the most boring lives have shit happen to them, don't they?

Spent lunch with Hannah, Clara, Megan and Sarah. It was good, made a change from spending it with Violet and Natalie 's crew. Mrs Dorotheou made Me and Megan take our books to her at lunch, and we were meant to stay for the duration, but she loves us so she let us leave early. Not sure she'll love me quite as much when she finds out I haven't done either of the assessments that were due in. Woopsie.

I think that's enough for today. I'm really tired, but sleep is out of the question. No rest for the wicked, eh?

Much love xx

My first post... oh yeah!

So basically, I'm Tara. I'm absolutely crazy. That's the first thing anyone will tell you if you ask them about me. And it's not forced either. I am just crazy :) And I'm proud of it!
Something else I'm proud of... being a lesbian! It's one of those things where you don't want people to judge you by it, but at the same time it's something that defines you, so in a way, they can't help it.
I really dislike homophobes. Some of them, I will admit, are just confused, but instead of making comments... ask. There are so many people out there who would be willing to explain things to them, if only they opened their ears to listen!
As you can see, I've already started ranting and its only my first day! I thnk I'm going to be really good at this.
I'm not making any promises that this will be interesting to read all of the time. No one's life is always interesting, is it? I'm also making no commitment promises. I won't necessarily write once every day, I also won't necessarily only write once a day. I do promise, however, to write the truth, and not to save you from any of the nasty detail!
So there you have it, my first post. You'll soon come to terms with who people are and how they fit into my life... promise.