Yeah, it's been a while...

I told you the day I got back
It was just after our anniversary
And I broke your heart

I told you the truth
The cold, thoughtless, unforgiveable truth
Too much of it
It's not lying when you just with-hold something, is it?

I should have done
I should have withheld some things I said
But I didn't
Because I was stupid
And heartless

I went into the 'why' too far
Said things you'd have been better off not knowing
Stupid things
Stupid me

And you pretended to be fine
You never really were one for feelings
Not outward feelings
And I kidded myself you were okay
When I knew you weren't

You sent me a message, asking me some things
To which I replied
Your reply to mine came
But you didn't recieve another from me
I didn't have the guts
So I ran away from the truth
Like I always do

Hid from it
Hid from you
Hid from me
Until I almost forgot
Almost

But I never really forget
These thoughts haunt me long after everything else
They're the basis for my nightmares
Living nightmares
Until I'm filled with guilt and regret
But no going back
From here there is no return

She didn't say it
She didn't do anything
She wouldn't
The feelings weren't returned
She didn't return anything of mine
Other than my hoody

I do still have your letter
And my parents and brother are fine
I wish your family was too

The military wouldn't suit you
There's too much time to think
Too much thinking isn't healthy
Not for you it's not

My eyes are okay
But they weren't
Not for a while
How are yours now?

And no, I don't tan
I could never stand the sun long enough to
Just like you

It's not wrong to feel that way
It's human
We're just human
Mostly
Usually
Sometimes we're not
I wasn't
I should have been

How am I?
I'm...
Well, I'm sorry
But that's not enough
It will never be enough
Will it?

Words, Wide Night

Somewhere on the other side of this wide night
and the distance between us. I am thinking of you.
The room is turning slowly away from the moon.

This is pleasurable. Or shall I cross that out and say
it is sad? In one of the tenses I singing
an impossible song of desire that you cannot hear.

La lala la. See? I close my eyes and imagine
the dark hills I would have to cross to reach you.
For I am in love with you and this

is what it is like or what it is like in words.

- Carol Ann Duffy

What a poem.

What a message.

What truth.

So there's this thing...

It's slightly bugging me.
But I can't do anything about it.
Well I could, if I were a more capable soul.
I'll share, I suppose. I need to...

There's someone I know, someone extremely special and whom I hold closest to my heart. And she needs something that I don't think I can give her.
Someone can, I know someone can, but she refuses to believe so.

I'm writing this thing for her, to sum up how I feel... it's not going too great. I might show it to her when it's done, if it at all reflects what I was hoping it would.

I'm too selfish to let her go, and I don't think she wants that, but I feel inside that she would be better off with someone else.
I love her too much for my own good. Far too much.

My head feels like it's going to explode, but I think that's down to what's in my heart.

Her.

Good god, I don't think I've been much more in love.

Somewhere out in the back of your mind...

Comes your real life and the life that you know
It seems like it was the creation of some of those same old things
It seemed to be the only thing left out in the light
She had trusted many
But been unfamiliar with
Almost everyone but you me

Sorry Stevie, your lyrics just didn't quite fit.

My mind feels like there is a tornado going on inside it... but at the same time, there's this deadly silence, like the sound has been turned off, the thoughts, everything.

And I don't have the controller to turn it back on again, someone else holds that. Other people, rather, for there's more than one. Until I gain back some control over my life, this turmoil will continue.

There's this flame burning, constantly burning, and I love what it gives me. I don't ever want it to go out. But something tells me a cold, dark winter is ahead, one in which I will need that flame more than ever, but that I will lose it to a harsh wind in the very middle of the night.

I also worry, for although that flame is my saviour, the fuel which is feeding it sees me as their's. I hope not to have to face this dilemna, but it seems currently most inevitable.

I shan't abandon her in her time of need though, that is one thing I shall never do. I promised to stand by her, support her, be there when she needs me the most. And I will. It's my duty to do so.

My duty.

*Practically Singing*

The world, is lookin' up, for me!
Yes the world, has fin'lly taken, a shine to me.
And my heart, has never felt, so full, before.
'Cause the world, is lookin' up, for me!!

Okay... I'm done singing.
Still happy though :)

Converse and Loneliness

Special thanks there to invisiblexink on DeviantART, for managing to portray what was on my mind.

What does that picture make you think of? Remind you of?

It makes me think about anxiety, worry, loneliness. But then I think, Converse is a sign of strength to me (despite almost everyone I know owning at least one pair, and half of them having no inner strength). To me, anyway, Converse is a sign of strength. I wear my Chucks with pride, all four pairs of them, (but not all at once, obviously).

The Ramones, Kurt Cobain, even Chuck Taylor himself, they were all amazing people with amazing taste in shoes.

But Converse has just become another fashion statement. It's not about the story behind the shoes, or she story behind the wearer. It's all about "I got a pair of purple Converse to match my new jeans!" and "Oh my God! Where did you get those lime green Converse? Everyone seems to have those now! I want some!"

That's not what it should be about. Converse are too good to be thrown in with all the other six month fashion frolics. I know I'll be wearing mine long after they go "out of style" and become "so last season".

You think I give a shit about what every other sodding person in the country is currently wearing on their feet? Not really, as long as it isn't Converse. Give Converse back their identity and we'll let you carry on with following every single other trend, you mother f**king sheep!

Okay... my rant about shoes is over now. You may continue what you were doing before you wasted your time reading this.

Love

love 
noun, verb, loved, lov⋅ing.
–noun
1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.sexual passion or desire.
4.a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6.a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7.sexual intercourse; copulation.
8.(initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9.affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10.strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11.the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12.the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13.Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14.a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15.to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16.to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17.to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18.to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19.to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20.to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21.to have love or affection for another person; be in love.—Verb phrase
22.love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets. —Idioms
23.for love,
a.out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b.without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24.for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25.in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26.in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27.make love,
a.to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b.to engage in sexual activity.
28.no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.

Origin: bef. 900; (n.) ME; OE lufu, c. OFris luve, OHG luba, Goth lubō; (v.) ME lov(i)en, OE lufian; c. OFris luvia, OHG lubōn to love, L lubēre (later libēre) to be pleasing; akin to lief

Synonyms:1. tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration. 1, 2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause. 2. liking, inclination, regard, friendliness. 15. like. 16. adore, adulate, worship.
Antonyms:1, 2. hatred, dislike. 15, 16. detest, hate.

All those definitions, and yet none of them sum up what love means to me.

I'm not going to attempt to put into what words what love does mean to me, I thought I'd just share that with you, while it was on my mind.