Sunday 12th April 2009

So I’ve just got in from being at a family friend’s house almost all day. I’m a bit surprised to be completely honest that we didn’t stay longer, usually we do, but I suppose it’s because a lot of people started leaving pretty early. Met a really nice 18 year old girl there, Sandy. Looked so young, which I suppose is good, except for the I.D part :)

She’s a private school girl, not that there’s anything wrong with them, and she’s lovely, but her dad... well! Let’s just say my dad found absolutely nothing to talk to him about. Or any of the other men for that matter! It was all “my Maserati is better than yours” and “Oh, so which football managers do you know?!”

Glad I found some common ground with Sandy though, considering we spent quite a few hours together. She really is lovely, and there’s no guy in the picture, nor has there been for a while. Also, according to her, she’s not fussed with boys at the moment. So I can still hope that she’s not as straight as she says, or not as straight as she thinks she is!

She’s off to University in September, just got back from travelling in her gap year. She went everywhere, Australia, America, Mexico... the places go on, and I’d list them... if I could remember. In all honesty, I didn’t take in everything that she was saying. Was kind of thinking about other things.

Which brings me on to the fact that I think I “more than like” someone I’ve been talking about quite a lot. She’s been on my mind so much recently, and I can’t help but think I’m falling for her... again. I still can’t believe I haven’t ended things with Lex, but every time I think about it, it makes me smile. Yes, you heard right... smile! You must think I’m some really self-centred bitch of a girl, but honestly, it’s not thinking about the pain I’ll be putting her through that makes me smile. It’s the thought of being single again, that's what makes me smile.

Not that this girl will have me. For one, I’m not good enough for her, and also she’s got her eye on someone else. Now I daresay, beggars can’t be choosers - and that’s practically what I am - but I wish I could choose. Wouldn’t that make life so much simpler? I sure as hell think it would anyway!

I can't think right now, but I might be back later to finish up on this whole palava.

Much love xxx

Saturday 11th April 2009

Why do we always love the people we can't have?

Thursday 9th April 2009

Well it’s been ages since I last posted. I’m on my Easter Holiday now... thank God! Missing everyone though, just as I said I would be. I have plans to meet up with some people, but things always tend to go wrong when I’m involved. Hopefully Hannah will be coming next Thursday to sleepover; I can’t believe she still hasn’t seen my “new” house, if you can call it that. And I’m meant to be sleeping over Victoria’s house on Monday, which should also be really good. I never get to see her anymore, and it sucks.

Charlie’s gone away for a few days, and I’m missing her like absolute hell. She means the world to me, that girl, even more than a lot of people I’ve known for a long time. I still can’t believe I’ve known her less than three months. It feels like years. It’s times like these I wish I was a lot older, or that my parents would treat me like the adult they don’t want to admit I actually am. I’d go down and see her, and I really want to, but I can’t.

Love is a strange thing, isn’t it? It shows itself in a number of ways. In friendship, in crushes and in “true love”. I always used to wonder about the difference between loving someone and being in love. I think I have that just about sussed now. I love Hannah, Charlie and Sammy but I’m not in love with any of them. And yet at the same time, I still love them more than I love Megan or Kath or Victoria... or anyone. So while I can tell the difference between those two terms, there are still subdivisions that I don’t understand. And liking them all at once, that part’s confusing as well.

It just sank in that Charlie’s going to read this, whenever she gets home. That's kind of worrying, yet at the same time, I kind of want her to know. That's really weird isn't it? Oh well. Weird is my middle name... one of them.

I think I should just clear up here that neither Charlie, Sammy nor Hannah are the reason for me wanting to break up with Lex. I'm doing that on my own accord based on the feelings I don't have for her, rather than the feelings I do have for others.

So I'll end on that note, and just remind everyone how much I miss Charlie. My amazing girl.

Lovage xxx

Monday 6th April 2009

I haven't posted in a while, I just realised. Everything's been a bit hectic, and at the same time not much has happened that I felt the need to document.

I slept 17 hours from Saturday evening to about midday on Sunday, with a break in the middle where I went running at 6 in the morning.... not doing that again any time soon :)

Been scrapbooking a lot, or things like it. Made something for Charlie, but she's not allowed to know yet! So shhhh, don't tell her it's a..... kidding! Like I'm stupid enough to post it on here, when I know full well she's reading this! Hey Charlie! I love you! :)

So anyways, I can't think straight... won't ever think straight for that matter, hehe :)

I'm gonna go, I'll be back later I think to moan about the fact that no one seems to want to talk to me and have gone AWOL.

Byeeeessss xxxxxxx

Oh shit.

I'm going to end things with Lex.

I have to.

And it's not because of anyone else. I just don't love her anymore.

I have absolutely nothing else to say other than "Wish me luck".

Friday 3rd April 2009

Well I'm home now. Finally the end of the term. Thank god!

I am so tired it's unbelievable. I'm not getting much sleep lately, and I have a sneaky suspicion it might be insomnia. I'd rather not be on sleeping tablets, but if I have to, then I have to. There's not much I can do about it, if it's doctor's orders!

I spent my breaktime with Sammy. I saw her going into the library as I wascoming out of I.T, so I followed her in. I'd wanted to find her to say "Happy Easter" anyway. Even thought I only spent about ten minutes with her, it was great. I miss it, spending time with her. Even when it was just the breaktimes. Those fifteen minutes might seem so undistinguished from all the other fifteen minute break times you get, but it's only until you lose what you had going on in them, that you realise how important they actually were. I miss her.

I'm just listening to Paramore, got "Riot" in there at the moment. I love their music. It's actually amazing! Bella and I are looking out for news of a Paramore tour. Hopefully, with a bit of luck, we'll be able to catch them somewhere over here. "Here We Go Again" just came on. It was the first song I ever learnt to sing of Paramore's. Graham and I were rehearsing for our band. Too bad nothing ever came of that!

I got my electric guitar yesterday. Bought it off a mate along with the amp, the case, a tuner and two straps. It an awesome guitar and I got all of that for £80. I was really proud of myself. I almost just typed "well proud of myself" but I managed to stop. I'm trying extra hard to not say it, I sound like a right idiot. Hannah points it out every time I say it, and it's not becoming annoying as such, but it's certainly making me want to stop saying it.

Lovely weather outside. I'm sitting here at my desk with my window open and the sun shining on my face. I'm just going to pop over to the office to get the trimmer/Guillotine thing. I'm doing some scrapbooking today, I've told myself I'm going to do it so I will. I need to chop up the lyrics from that Ron Pope song that I've copied down. My artistic talent is appalling, but somehow my scrapbook pages seem to awe people.

Well, that's enough big-headedness for one day isn't it? :)

Might be back later on, might not. We'll see how it goes. I might well have nothing else to say, and anyway, I've already written twice today. Not that I made any promises, right?

So, see you!

xxxxxxxxx

Home

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that


I've got that song stuck in my head. Hannah and I were just singing it. We're in Design & Technology, our class, 9.3. I'm gonna miss all these guys next year, when we get split up next year. We're being setted, and also I'm hardly doing any of the same subjects as the people who I get on best with.

Was texting Sammy last night. It makes me so happy, just talking to her. It's bad really. I was also talking to Charlie about everything, even after last night's post. She thinks I really just need to see Lex. I'll know, the minute I see her, I'll know. And I'm dreading what it is that I'll know. Because there is no way in hell I want to end it ith her. Michael told me that she'd never end it with me.

She'll be heartbroken, I'm almost positive of that. All of the talk of marriage, kids, everything, I feel like I've been leading her on all along. But I really meant it, when I said it, I did! I'm just not too sure I mean it anymore. Like Charlie said, "things change, people change", but I never wanted it to change. It just has.

I was wondering whether or not she's had all of these problems. If secretly she's going through exactly what I'm going through. Maybe that's why she's never online, never talks to me anymore. I would be surprised, but I suppose it's a possibility.

It's the end of the term, only two more lessons to go. I'll miss everyone, I'll miss them loads. Because whenever we make plans, we never seem to keep them. It sucks as well! Sometimes I feel like I'm drifting from them, even though they tell me I'm most definitely not. But whatever.

It's the end of the lesson now, so I need to finish up. I'll be back later for sure!

Take care, who ever can be bothered to read this.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday 2nd April 2009

My. Whole. World. Is. Falling. Apart.
And I can't do a thing to stop it. Because it was all my fault to begin with. How did I manage this, huh? How did it come about that in trying to sort things out, I fucked up everything? Because that's what I've done. And she has no idea. None of them have any idea.

The only person who has a clue what's going down is Charlie. She's always there for me, that girl. I have no idea what I'd do without her, honestly. It started out me helping her, but the roles have kind of been reversed now. We both help each other out. I look forward to when I can go home and talk to her. She's unbelievably special to me and will always hold such a big place in my heart. Two months. That's how long I've known her for, and I think I practically know almsot everything about her.

That just made me smile, and then made me think about Hannah. She always says that I "know her better than she knows herself." And in a way, I suppose that's kind of true. And I think that soon enough, Charlie will know me better than I know myself, if she doesn't already. She's going to read this, I know, but I don't mind. Actually, it is kind of embarassing, but there we are. I'm making it known publicly just how much I love her.

Cause I do. Amazing how one of my best friends is someone I've never met isn't it? But I don't think that matters. I don't think that matters at all. We bicker like a married couple for goodness' sake!

Well anyway, I'm going to end there. My thoughts are getting all tangled and I can't concentrate.

I love you Charlie, since I know you're reading this :)
xxxxxxx

I absolutely adore this video! His voice is so pure, and his lyrics are so true! I don't think I could put it better myself. This is exactly the situation I'm in with Sammy! Apart from me being a girl :)

Saw her as we were leaving chool today. I called out her name, and she turned around, and I waved. And she waved back. And I felt all fuzzy inside. I didn't want that to happen. But it did.

It's like there's a tornado in my mind. So confusing! Maybe I love them all. Could that happen. Could I be in love with all of them? Or maybe I'm in love with none of them. That's also a possibility. Isn't it? Maybe I'm just deluded, so lonely that I have to try and tell myself I love all of these people when actually... I don't. Oh god, now I'm really getting deep! *Shut up Tara!*

So basically, I'm confused, but I'm sure I've made that very clear. Couldn't get Sammy out of my head today, but then all of a sudden I was thinking about Hannah. It's crazy, the feelings I've got for so many different people. And not "different" in a way to exaggerate the number of people, rather "different" as in unique. One's crazy, one's absolutely stunning and so on and so forth.

And so I have no idea what to do. I'm shitting myself over situations some of my friends are in at the moment, one in particular. But the thing is, there's nothing I can do to help her. I'm always the one who helps people, and I feel so lost when I can't.

I heard a saying somewhere a few weeks ago, I can't remember where or who from, but I remember the saying very clearly:

You must help yourself before you even try to help others.

It's true, unfortunately. Some people are so reliant on me but I'm so caught up in my own problems, I can't help them!

I might be back later, to write some more. But right now, I'm so caught up in everything, I can hardly keep my thought stream on this.

So I'll see you later, maybe. Take care.... oh who am I kidding. I'm not writing to anyone in particular. But if anyone reads this, thanks, for putting up with me :)

Lovage xx

Wednesday 1st April 1009

Oh my god! Guess what?! My cat died!!!!!!

April Fool!

Yeah, I know.. I didn't find it funny either.

So today was alright. Spent lunch with Hannah, Clara, Kath and Sarah. We ate chocolate, so all was very good! I love chocolate! It's so good for that time of the month when you just need cheering up.

Freddie and Graham were laughing at me today in maths, right in front of me. I don't think I could have have cared much less. It still kind of bugged me though. Hannah and Megan didn't seem to notice though, and if they did, well, they did a good job of hiding it.

I really don't know what Kath sees in Freddie. He's such a douche-bag it's unreal! No one likes him! Not even Hannah likes him anymore, and she's a really tolerant person! She's amazing that girl, abso-blimmin'-lutely amazing. I love spending time with her. She's just so great to be around! I've just realised that she was on my mind a lot today. Well, like I said to Sassy earlier, first love dies hard!

It's rather amusing how one person can turn your entire world upside down. All the time she was helping me through my depression, not for one minute did she suspect it was partly because of her. She would die if she knew, if I were to tell her now. She still doesn't even know I ever liked her. All because of that stupid rumour. Boys, who needs 'em?

Urgh, saying that reminded me all about the rumours that Ben sent flying around last December, about me and Sammy. He's such an arse. Completely ruined our friendship. Well, he was part of the reason it got ruined. The rest was my fault, but I don't like to think about that. I keep wondering to myself how different life would be if she had have been gay... there's no point though. It's the past, and nothing can change the past. Not even wishful thinking.

I need to finish up now, I have a sneaky suspicion my dad's going to come and "check on me". My computer was supposedly off over an hour ago, so I don't feel like being on any worse terms with my parents than I am already.

So I'll be seeing you. Well... not literally, but you get what I mean!

xxxxxxxxxxxx